T-givens.

Looking forward to the brief injection of sane/insane happy/sad beautiful/ugly sober/drunk experience of going home for Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving. Smells of warm cider. Apple pies. Dried leaves. Crisp air. Perfumed hugs from family members. Nana's hair. To me, Thanksgiving was always a doorway to the holidays. A warmy goodness creeping deep into my heart as I watch lights go up, as I help string pine garland along the front porch, the scent clinging to my clothes, as I gaze hopefully at a perfectly cold-gray snow sky and get all giddy when the white flakes fall and litter a frost-crunchy front lawn with white specks, as I watch the snowblowers and listen to them churning out winter at the ski areas across the valley.

I love the tradition of the Thanksgiving feast, how we all hold hands and give witness to something for which we are thankful, like a prayer, and for the Catholic-remnants of my family, actually is. I love eating the food that each of us make with loving detail from scratch, the pies which we'd given up making long ago and now buy from the farm down the street, the stinky cheese made from traditional French recipes using unpasteurized fresh cow's milk, the subsequent lying around sleepy like a pride of lions after a kill, and the proceeding games of drunken pictionary in front of the fireplace.

This year, the holiday is bittersweet. Both my brother and I will be sans spouses, and we will undoubtedly be self-medicating this fact with some hearty wines from the local winery. My mother is so very proud. Kidding. Drama aside, we are a family with an astounding capacity to love each other through it all. I am very proud of my family. Even though my parents are (egad!) Republicans. Even though none of us seem to be able to stay married for very long. Even though we all have varying degrees of some mental anguish/illness/trauma. So what. We have issues. Who doesn't, really? The beauty of our family is the ability to see through all the disappointments, the unmet expectations, the unresolved political differences, and everything else that is so trivial when one simply appreciates being alive. We all appreciate being alive. And we all do it together, and in great form. We are always laughing. There may be singing. There is usually slap-fighting or jovial shoving. We are a family of Irish bear cubs. We eat. We drink. We fight. We laugh. We are all fucked in the head and no one cares. It's a wonderful life.

And then Friday, I will wake up and will have to come back here, where being fucked in the head is a disease one must cure. Where being "normal" is taken very seriously, and worn with enthusiasm as literal labels of normalcy and conformity on one's purse/shoes/coat. I'm moving to Vermont and buying a bar.

Actually, if I could, I would totally do that, and do it here. For those of you that don't believe in a place like Stars Hollow, I dare you to go here and tell me it's not the most perfect place in existence. It's my Shangri-La.

It's all part of my winter experience, and this year will be the first in maaaannny many many years, where I am going it alone. Not liking. Different. Ok. Family. Snow. New loves. And lost. Finding again. Liking. Me. Thank you.

Random #2.

Me apart like ashes. Flecks drifting and floating. Soft room-dust in sunlight. Thoughts unformed and broken. Things tried; still undone. He whispers moons and clouds into my hair, and I can feel gravity pulling me back together. Settling down on a sofa. Comfort watching stars and pictures. With a little red (or white). And pasta. I am whole again. A perfect night in.

Election. And some worship.

K hosted an election soiree yesteday evening, which I went to with a heavy heart. I was convinced that, regardless of how we voted, the powers that be (i.e. the GOP) would find some insidious plan to steal yet another set of victories. I think an interesting Le Carre novel would be one about the behind-the-scenes conspiracies that go on in election stealing. It's a business. Professionals are hired. Any group desperate enough to attain a position of power will do anything, legally or otherwise, to accomplish that goal. This is something I believe. This is something that, compiling evidence from past elections, has a potential to be proven. I'm still waiting for someone to do this. Where is the cry for justice? Why isn't anyone testing this hypothesis? Perhaps it's because all parties are involved in some way and no one wants to get caught? Hmm.

Novel writing aside, this whole thing is so screwed up. First of all, one of the bars I work at is an Irish pub, where many of the customers are of Irish (or British/Welsh/Scottish) descent. There is a lot of dart-throwing. Darts. What a retarded concept. Give a bunch of drunken hot-heads really sharp pointy objects to throw around in a bar. Genius. Anyway, these non-naturalized green-card holders work. Daily. Contribute to society. Pay taxes. And they have no voice in the elections. So, election day, some of them made up shirts to wear: Taxation Without Representation! Brilliant. While I agree that, if you are living here, you should pay taxes, I am also of the belief that if you are living here and paying taxes, you should have a say in the government to whom 1/3 of your salary goes. You live here. You pay taxes here. You vote here. Period. All that paperwork to be naturalized and so forth is ridiculous.

Secondly, let's talk about the electoral college. As many of you may know, the electoral college was set up initially by our very cynical founders as a way to prevent dumb people from electing someone really stupid into office. Say, for example, if everyone one of us voted for Mickey Mouse in 2008 unanimously, our elector may break with the popular vote and instead cast his/her vote for someone more appropriate, like say... Bugs Bunny. And then, even if we all vote for Mickey Mouse, Bugs would still be elected. That's all, folks! (Even though I personally believe that Bugs would totally make a better president.)

Thirdly, it saddens me that I can pay all of my bills, do all of my banking, renew my DMV license, download songs, all online, and our government still can't get its head out of its ass long enough to figure out a way to make all voting electronic (from HOME for those who can!!), AND prevent tampering. It can be done, people. It certainly can.

Lastly, as the most powerful country on earth, and one who claims to be so great and so forward-thinking and all of that crap, why is it that ALL of our presidents have been white men??? I mean, HELLO??????? And why is it that the one WOMAN who may finally lay claim to a very serious election run be so hideously hated by so many? Could it be that you white men are threatened? That a woman might actually break through the biggest ceiling of them all and do a better job than you? That all of you jackasses will eventually have to go back to your hunting and physical labor, while we women pick up where we left off prior to Ancient Greece and become goddesses once more, to be revered by you fools? Heh. I can only hope. Seriously, once you men took over thousands of years ago and dripped your testosterone all over the place and cut out our clitorises and pressed your thumbs down upon us, all shit broke loose. Look at what you've accomplished, men: war, religious oppression, genocide, hate-mongering. I say: shut up, sit down, do your home-building and hunting and so forth, and let us women take charge of things once more. We give life. You should worship us.