O. P. P.

Frustrated. Walked around town today. It's a Saturday. A friend remarked, "Why would you DO that?" Indeed. Trampled by selfish Bugaboo Moms who seem to travel in groups of two or three wide, selfish because none of them seem to be aware that there are other people on the sidewalk who may want to pass them. Tried tuning out the banal conversations everyone seemed to be having as they walked past stores: "Oh my god, Beckaaaa...? You would totally look sooo super-cute in that dreeeess...?" Just once I would love to hear someone in passing talking about how to reconfigure a warp drive. Or something to that effect.

Anyway.

I've been consumed by Other People's Problems. These are people that I love. And I am more than happy to help. I will roundtable anything. I have good ideas. I have a wealth of knowledge. I listen well. And, ever since I've been in town, I've "been there" for everyone. Everyone but myself, that is.

Last year, as I was preparing my portfolio for my final graduation project, which took months of work, my best friend at the time (who has since broken up with me) was having boy troubles. While I was busy with my project, she was busy falling head-over-heels with this boy. He said he was, too, but it was obvious that he wasn't. She finally realized this on the night before my project was due, a night throughout which I had committed myself to staying awake, a night I had told her about many times over, for example: "Boy, Thursday is going to SUCK. I hope I can get everything done in time!"

So late that night, they had "the conversation," and she called me. I was happy to help. But she was upset. It was 1AM and she needed to calm down with a drink. At my place. With my papers spread out everywhere and me binding a book. A night in which I had to squeeze out every second of time from for my project. Reluctantly, I agreed for her to come over. She stayed for an hour and a half. An hour and a half that cost me a few points on my portfolio (no worries, I still graduated with honors). But still. I don't think I would impose myself like that. No matter how much I needed a friend THAT SECOND. I would probably have cried myself to sleep and made a date to see her the next day. End of story.

Since that time, I seem to be stuck in a constant "I can fix you" loop. Hey, that's great. Everyone has problems. Some are stupid. Some are serious. But they all have one thing in common: I can't fix them.

It's funny, I just realized this in the last few days. There is one thing I can fix, however, and that's me. So, instead of burying myself in Other People's Problems, I am going to take some time and bury myself in my own problems, for a change! And, instead of boring everyone I know with all the details of every stupid problem in my life, I have this blog. I have gobs of emails, saved but unsent. I have lyrics. I have notes scribbled in notebooks. I have this outlet that I love, this outlet being that of the written kind.

So then, what are my problems?

Being a hopeless romantic, I would like a boyfriend. I don't have one. I love men, and would like to find "that special someone" to share everything with. All that companionship, the errand-running, the movie-going, the tv-watching, the dinner-making, the bike-riding, the shopping, the family-event-attending, the cuddling and waking-up-with, of course there's the sex, the security of knowing someone is always in your corner and is excited to see you, all of it. I love that stuff. And I want that stuff. And I will have that stuff again. If it's right.

But before that even happens, I need a JOB. I need to submit myself to the gray masses of commuters. Sure, I will be the one wearing bright orange and pink, but I will be among them. The payoff? Being paid to do something I genuinely love on a daily basis. Advancement opportunities. Paid vacations. Paid sick days. Health insurance. A steady paycheck that will allow me to pay off my debts and start saving. A retirement plan. All of that. Being a bartender is mostly a lot of fun, and I've met a lot of great people, but it's ultimately a dead-end job. No raises. No advancement. No paid anything. If I ever want to live in a loft with a giant kitchen, I need to seriously start saving.

What else? Hm. Get the divorce finalized, enjoy my Nana as much as possible before she kicks, and a bunch of little things that can be dealt with after or during the first few big things.

So, because I am antipathetic to chaos, here's a nice tidy list of problems I need to deal with:

1. JOB
2. Boyfriend? Not necessary, but preferred. And can I possibly do this without actually dating? Is this possible? No? Damn.
3. Divorce.
4. Pay off all debts.
5. Save some money.
6. Need vacation. Nantucket. Must.

That should about do it for now. Stay tuned for more problems in the future. I can't wait!