Thing.

For lack of a better word due to the deficiency of language. I am experiencing a thing. I am feeling a thing. This thing hurts a lot. I haven't felt any thing in a long while, and though it hurts, I am not sending it back. The thing is here and it's not going away and it hurts and it's making me think about lots of things for the first time in a long while and is systematically shredding into all the layers of comfort I've built. I feel hopeless and reborn all at once: the thing is complicated (it defies words as I said earlier). I didn't want this thing. But here it is. All warm and gurgly. I apparently have to fix something so that the thing becomes a thing that I can describe. Until then, it is simply a very complex thing. Yes I meant to say that.

In other related areas: I have started looking for a new place to live. Damn it's expensive to live here. More than $1000 per month for a STUDIO. In NEW JERSEY. Apparently, I'll be needing to step up that freelance. This will be good. I know it.